What am I taking with me?

Today My Flower preached her sermon from Psalms 23 and John 10: 1-10. Later, in discipleship we had a talk back about the sermon. As we were getting ready to leave for our respective lives away from the church, she posed this question to the young adults’ class, “what are we taking with us for the week”. When the question got around to me, I didn’t have an answer and politely stated I’m going to have to sit on it a little while longer.

“A little while”, later came when I was on my drive to my walk, listening to Nipsey Hussle’s “Victory Lap” album.

So little bit of context, the title of today’s sermon was “The Sound of Safety” and in today’s talk back a few reoccurring points were developing discernment and listening for God’s direction. So, during my ride to the walking trail, I was pondering on those points and how they relate to me and my personal journey. As my subconscious mind was going deeper into scenes from past, Nip was creating the perfect vibe for introspection and a creative dream state. And this is where the magic started to happen. I began to hear the words “patience” being whispered into my internal ear. So, I tried to let my brain go to where I believe the Lord was taking me. I meditated on the word patience and what that meant for me. This was when I began to realize that I actually had none and felt quite the opposite of patient. I felt like I was in a rush.

Then I began to remember that not only did I feel rushed, but anxious, and ready to get to the next level, the next phase, the next thing. I am ready to be done with Grad school. I am ready to be done studying for my CPA license. I am ready for my unborn child to make their grand appearance. I can’t WAIT until I am actively making a significant living from my accounting and financial advising firm. And then I had to ask myself why I was so anxious and feeling rushed. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me, I feel like this because I feel like I need to make up for lost time. I feel like I am behind on my timeline and that I need to do triple the number of things to get to where I want to be by this imaginary important deadline. And why do I feel like I am behind on my timeline, is because in 2015 my life changed forever. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression in February of 2015, and I struggled with all that came with this ailment from 2015 to 2018. And the recovery period from 2018 to 2020.

Giving brief details so that you have a fuller understanding. At the end of 2014 I had to drop out of grad school the first time because of the triggering event. In 2015 I started working as an accountant and my brain just wasn’t computing the most basic of excel functions and equations. For deeper details on this season in my life pick up my book The Waondering King 2: The Journey through Rumination. In 2017 I quit my job that I was probably on the verge of being fired from, because it wasn’t conducive for my mental health. The primary thing about that job was that I had to drive on the back roads of Alabama by myself on fall nights and my mind was still very much fear-ridden. Moved to Georgia in 2018 and couldn’t find work. I had a warrant for my arrest from Washington State from my triggering event, that kept showing up on every background check. Like I couldn’t even work at Walmart. Then in 2019 we went through separation and I moved back to Alabama. This brought on its own set of issues because I was in state of limbo about whether my ex and I would reconcile or if I should start building my own individual life. That got drawn out until late 2020. Finally, I was able to “start” my life again in October of 2020 when I began living in Pennsylvania. Essentially 2020 to 2025 became the foundation and starting chapters of my new life.

If you are keeping track of the numbers that is about 10 or so years. And if we want to get really detailed with the math, I graduated undergrad in 2014, and the year is currently 2026. So, there is a 12-year space between where a part of me feels as though my life took a detour and where we currently are today. In my human mind, I feel like I’m so far behind where I want to be in life. Many years ago, when “I” was mapping out my dream life, I just knew I’d have the firm, the ideal career, the dream house, traveling the world, and making a lasting impact on society all by the age of 30. Here I am a few days away from 38 and I still feel like I am at square one if I am being honest.

But God!

Going back to my ride with Neighborhood Nip and my conversation with The Great El Shaddai I felt at peace with the utterance of patience this time. First, let me say I cannot explain why I do. Because as I type these words, I am unemployed. And while I have an ok amount of cash coming in on a consistent basis, we will soon have an extra mouth to feed. I am a semester away from graduating with my MBA, and the CPA exams are my victims to claim at my leisure (sort of kind of), my dreams seem further than ever before. I know this sounds like the fear, worry, and anxiousness is back… but it’s not in fact, it is the complete opposite. With God whispering that one word into my ears while I was driving down the road in Eastpoint, GA, I gained so much peace and deliverance. While I can’t see the future, I personally know The One who has it in the palm of their hands and He says: “For I know the plans I have for you… plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”(Jeremiah 29:11NIV) and “I’ll make up for the years of the locust, the great locust devastation, locusts savage, locust deadly, fierce locust, locusts of doom, That great locust invasion I sent your way. You’ll eat your fill of good food. You’ll be full of praises to your God, The God who has set you back on your heels in wonder. Never again will “my son” be despised. You’ll know without question that I’m in the thick of life with “Drek”, That I’m your God, yes, your God, the one and only real God. Never again will “my son” be despised.” (Joel 2:25 MSG)

Ok, it is now 9:15pm and we are about to teleport back to 11:55am and Drek of now is going to switch places with Drek of then for the final five minutes of discipleship just to answer the question. Flower says, “So what are we taking with us for the week?” My response is “Trust! I am taking with me the trust that God is not only in complete control of my life, that He can steer this ship far better than I ever could. I trust that He has my best interest at heart and is about to blow my mind with the “especially prepared table before me in the presence of my enemies” with such greatly “overflowing cups” that I won’t have a choice but to bless others in abundance. I’m taking trust with me!”