High-Maintenance Relationships

Recently my wife and I had a very public second wedding. And let me tell you it was a totally eye-opening experience for me. We had a great time. Especially my wife. She got showered with so much love, care and attention the three days of our event that I felt the overflow and most of the time she and I were not even together. A vast majority of her friends came into town from as far away as a 6-hour drive and her best friend flew in from Kentucky and Shemiah flew in from Chicago. It was such a sight to see the level of care that was given to her in her moment. Thinking back to when she and I first started dating and Brandy, whom I have come to love with every fiber of my being like a sister, hit me up on social media to let me know that Jasmine has an army behind her and that there would be consequences for playing with her heart. Then there is Gabi and her family who made me feel at home on Christmas break and bought me gifts… gifts yall. Then there is Bobbie and Genesis who both loaned out their husbands to be my groomsmen when my guys fell out at the last minute. Yep, at the last minute, like the week prior to the wedding. And Morgan whom I have felt nothing but love from since the first hug and introduction. Now I am talking about all of this love my wife receives but from the perspective of the overflow that comes into my cup. Let me say this, there are so many players in this universe of love that radiates over my wife that I will be here all night just naming names so I will keep it with just her bridesmaids. With the foundation laid out I want you all to catch these three words that I am using to encompass the full range of what these ladies are to each other and what I will be talking about the rest of this post: High-maintenance relationships.

High-maintenance as defined by Merriam-Webster is requiring a large amount of care or maintenance. Oxford defines it as a person or relationship demanding a lot of attention. And in everyday conversation something that is high maintenance, especially a person or a relationship that bears the title, is looked at as something negative or draining of resources. However, I am here to submit that HMR (high-maintenance relationships) are (1) a luxury and (2) should be cultivated and maintained like a luxury vehicle and (3) most black men deserve luxury relationships.

I have spent a long time thinking about this principle and I didn’t come to this decision lightly. Personally, I have walked through many seasons of my own manhood and many of them I had to transverse alone in complete isolation or with very minimal resources and limited male companionship. Like for instance when I was diagnosed with Bipolar depression, there were two women that got me through the moments that were too heavy for me to carry alone. Or when I went through my separation and divorce and had to cry on my own shoulder and be a listening ear for myself. Before I go any further, I am not knocking the way God allowed me to get through all my situations. But what I am doing is shedding light on the fact that first, if I had a community of brothers, then I wouldn’t have had to walk by myself. Second, if in the community of brothers if we truly bore one another’s crosses like the women do, then HMRs wouldn’t be a taboo concept in the brotherhood of men. As a man born in the 80s, raised in the 90s, formed in the early 2000s, and solidified thereafter, I too find it a hard idea to grasp at times of calling my brothers to ask them how they are doing. Telling them that I love them. Inviting them to church. Giving hugs other than when proceeded by dap. Sending them book recommendations of temperament, marriage, and finances. And a lot of the other things that people do when you care about a loved one. However, what I have come to realize is that this is because of social conditioning. It is all over the place about how a man is supposed to stand on his own two feet. Or how he is supposed to be a lion taking care of his own territory. I will even take it one step further and say that a lot of times through social media, music, movies, and other mediums it is implied that a man is not a man if he does not roam the world alone and can’t take care of himself. And what I am coming to realize on my personal journey of faith and physical walk through this world is that this way of thinking is counter-kingdom. I will be the first to admit that I haven’t read the bible all the way through and nor am I a bible scholar, but from what I have read and studied so far, community is a big principle all throughout the New Testament. Also, something else I learned from watching the animal kingdom on National Geographic is that the tribe of lions that have multiple male lions in it fair a lot better than the ones with a single male lion. And we aren’t even going to begin to discuss the misconception on male wolves and the wolf pack… spoiler alert being an alpha wolf isn’t a real thing.

For at least the last five years, I have longed for a tribe of like-minded men (not same thinking) to fellowship and grow in life with. I remember the spark of this idea being birthed within myself when I was in Philly in complete isolation from family and friends.  I thought about how even when I was amongst blood in Montgomery, Alabama a few months prior, I still felt alone. I was saddened. But it drew me to have a conversation with a female friend about finding one’s tribe. And in 2023 I met my current wife and began to be introduced to her friends and family, and I knew immediately that what she had cultivated with her people is what I was longing for all along. Real deep entrenched love. The kind that will go into the dark places to find you, sit with you, talk you through, hold your hand, guide you back home, fix you a sandwich, make your bed, hug you good night, and sit with you until the sun finds you again. HMRs! These are the types of relationships that I found myself longing for without even knowing they existed. Recently I came across a brother that I am fortunate enough to be paired with for a business venture that I am working on and he casually mentioned that after closing on another deal he wired a brother of his $10K as a just because gift for no reason other than the fact that the brother had poured wisdom into him years prior and he was feeling generous. HMRs! As I processed all these things I realized that I desire HMRs not only for the benefit of gain but for the benefit of reciprocal exercise. What I mean by that is, I go big in every way of life. I throw money at weddings, I shower my friends with expensive gifts, I personally cook my friends’ wives’ favorite meals. I recommend my people for jobs in rooms that they haven’t even walked into. I pray for peace over the homes of my tribe. I love, protect, and discipline my crew’s children with the same passion I would with my own children. And so much more. So, when I say I deserve HMRs, it’s because I give HMRs and not in return but as a preset. This is a factory setting over here. When I think back over the past five years of me longing for HMRs it’s because I was looking for myself in other people. Now check the punch line I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve. So, if that means that I will have to walk this Earth being lonely, then I will do just that because as I said before most black men deserve High-Maintenance Relationships and I’m counted in that number!